Nature was as silent as if it were the dead of night. Every tree had stopped blowing, every bird seemed bored with the song they once sang. Everything had silenced. Even the irritating sound of Grandmother Lucia’s favorite oak tree; the one that whistles when ever the wind hits it–as Grandmother Lucia use to whistle when she was still alive.

But some how, in all this silence, I still felt surrounded by noise and laughter.

Grandfather Lucas use to sit on the tree stump that lies to my left. He’d sit and call out to the birds, throwing seeds out to them and naming them after all of his siblings. Teris, Alexa, Martin, and Louis.

I remember Great Aunt Teris, feeding her chickens. While Great Aunt Alexa’s terrier–Athena–growled as though she was a big dog, and not a ten pound puppy. Great Uncle Louis would battle Great Uncle Martin in chess. Everyday after their morning cup of two-sugars-one-cream-half-a-cup-of-milk coffee.

With all this silence and memories. With all the noise that taunted my ears-as if Grandmother was stilling whistling. I felt a tug at my heart.

Loneliness. Because I was sitting in the snow all alone.

Though I wasn’t alone. I was surrounded by the whistles and barks, the voices full of laughter and love. Memories of dogs and chickens, of chess games and cups of coffee.

Maybe it wasn’t loneliness that I was feeling right there. I was surrounded by noise and laughter, like I had once been many years ago.

It was simply that my heart would never get use to all the silence.

Do you get some sort of satisfaction
From putting others down?
Is it because the same has been done to you?
Or simply because you don’t see
See that words hurt
That they don’t just roll away
Fade away
Go away

Words are forever.
Apologize
Be forgiven
The words don’t just go away
You still said them
You still caused another pain

No amount of
I’m sorry
I didn’t mean it
I wasn’t thinking
Will ever erase what you said
Because at the end of the day
The words still came out of your lips
The words still caused someone pain
They don’t go away

So think about that next time
Next time you have the nerve
The nerve to put someone down
Just for being
Different

Aren’t the voices the worst?
The way they tell you things,
Tell you things that aren’t true.
Make you hate your beautiful eyes
And loving personality.

Aren’t the voices the worst?
The way they never leave,
Even when you find yourself in love.
In love with your loving personality
And beautiful eyes.
When you finally begin to see yourself as I do.
They come back.

So maybe it’s not about pushing
Pushing them far far away.
It’s about accepting that they won’t just go away.
But that they also aren’t true.
That you are loving and kind
Beautiful
Strong
And brilliant.
Because once you realize and accept that.
Well then,
the voices get bored.
And finally leave.

I think we all have a darkness inside
A type of pain
That we all have to hide
We’re raised in world where crying is bad
Wipe your tears
Fake a smile
No one cares that you’re sad

But that isn’t true.
You’re feelings matter
Whether you see right through.
If it hurts enough
Enough to make you cry.
Enough to make you sad.
Or even just enough to have
Have a pulling at your heart.
Then it matters.
Because
Even in this world where crying is bad
Where we all fake smiles
And where no one cares that you’re sad.

Your feelings do matter.

Listen to your heart, he told me.
Listen to your heart and you’ll be free.

Listen to your eyes, he whispered.
Listen to your eyes and you will see.

Listen to your ears, he shouted.
Listen to your ears and you’ll live life.

Listen to your head, he called.
Listen to your head and you’ll avoid strife.

Listen to your heart.
He told me.
Calmly as could be. It wants what’s best for you.

Push past the judgement that you see.
Escape from the demons in your ears.
Avoid the monsters in your head.

Listen to your heart or you’ll be dead.

They say happiness does not last forever.
That it cannot be bought or sold or traded.
Happiness is not an object.
Is not easy to achieve.

They say true happiness does not last forever.
It will end one day.
One day too soon.

They say true happiness does not last forever.
Nothing can be that good.

They are wrong.

Everyone is equal. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone. No matter their race, gender, sexuality, social class, or any thing else. Just because someone is different from you does not mean they are any more or less equal are you.

When babies are born they have no bias. No prejudice. They don’t look down on someone because that person is different from them. They don’t judge others. They have no opinion. When a baby is born is has no past. Only a future. It has made no mistakes. But it soon will. It is innocent. Free. Pure. It doesn’t judge or have a strong willed opinion again others. An opinion the will soon be created. But once it is created then the baby is no longer a baby.

Everyone is equal. But we live in a society where it seems only babies can see that.

Three bedrooms. Two baths. A house I grew up in. A house that should last.

I remember running down the halls, chasing after my brother.

I remember the ice cream sundaes and cannonball competitions.

The Christmas trees that we set up and the time it snowed at Thanksgiving not all that long ago.

Grandpa’s old chair that we’d mess around in. The smell of Grandma’s cookies in the hallway.

Now it’s being sold. I know it’s for the best. Deep down everyone seems sad.

It’ll be different. A change. The holidays won’t be the same.

No more Thanksgiving adventures with Grandma and Grandpa. No more playing in the pool when we should have been asleep.

They were moving. Nicer house. Smaller house. Unfamiliar house. The sales sign seemed to taunt everyone. Catch their eyes and saddening them just a little more.

This wasn’t just a dream. It was happening. And the sign forced them to believe that.

Snow covered the ground. I’m here now. In the house. Watching my brother and father fight with balls of white snow. Mom and Grandma are baking scones like they said Grandma and her mom did many years ago.

I’ll miss this house. And everything in it. I’ll miss the old chair.

The couch I always slept in even though there was a perfectly good bed.

Pool and water battles.

I’ll miss everything about this old house. The new one will be an adventure.

A fresh start.

A change.

A house that will last.

I want to be free
Fly like a bird
Swim like a fish

I want to be free
Dance through the meadows
Climb through the trees

I want to be free
Free was the bird and the bees. Free as my feet after a long day of work. Free like the horses that prance and the birds that dance. Free.
I want to be free

I need to be free.

Halloween is definitely one of my favorite holidays. It’s so much fun. You get to dress up and eat candy and have a great time! Last year I dressed up as Batman. This year I was Superman! It was great. I wore a tutu and had a black super man tshirt. I can’t wait till next year. I’m going as Santa Claus.